Ralph Acts Up in Homebase
by Philip Glenister tomboy
Summary: Remember the time in The Simpsons Hit & Run video game where little Ralph Wiggum said about being babysat by Patty and Selma Bouvier in the local Springfield DVLA offices after playing up in Homebase? This is a follow up to the dialogue only events and even has Ralphie choosing his playhouse!


The Simpsons: Ralph Acts Up in Homebase

**_Disclaimer: _Since I am from the United Kingdom, England all my The Simpsons fan-fiction take place there, rather than in the original Oregon of the USA given in the series itself as I don't really like some of the American spellings and some will only confuse meanings. I don't own The Simpsons, but I do love giving the famous yellow family and Springfield locals; some brilliant adventures in the United Kingdom!**

**Summary: **Alternative events on when little Ralph Wiggum plays up in the Homebase shop for his parents when shopping for a playhouse! Patty and Selma from the local DVLA offices asked to babysit him until Ralph learns to control himself**.**

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**Events follow up from The Simpsons "Hit & Run" video game.**

He loved _Panda Pops_. Ralph Wiggum suckled stickily on the bottle cap as he watched through the 1978-1987 Ford Granada MkII's rear window, and smiled as they stopped around the corner, so that people or paperazzi wouldn't detect them. Clancy opened the door and held his arms out. Ralph smiled and let his dad help him out. The butterflies started in his tummy, being excited to start finally shopping for his playhouse! -or, wait.. Was it just too much fizzy pop?

"Right," Clancy told him as they walked around the store. "We're letting you choose this, okay? You show us which playhouse you want, sweetheart." He wheeled the empty trolley along.

Ralph positively squirmed as he was given that much responsibility. (It.. it was that, right?)  
He didn't really like it. He preferred every little choice being made for him.

The edges of his mouth curled into a small disappointed frown and Clancy stopped. "Unless.." He kneeled down to Ralph's level.

Ralph swayed on his heels, blinking up through long lashes and doe eyes; cuteness personified. He was quiet, fidgeting with the strap of his dummy and waiting for the right moment to slip it into his mouth.

"Unless you're too little to choose." Sarah his mum said daintily. Ralph slowly blinked, trying to process this, and his head dipped slightly in response.  
Clancy smiled slowly. He squeezed Ralph's hand. Ralph's grip tightened around his dad Clancy's fingers with an air of "Please, protect me." and he led him around the store, pointing out any playhouse that he caught Ralph taking an interest in.

Once in a while, Ralph would pick things from the shelves, holding them tightly in his arms not letting go when asked. It was when Clancy decided that Ralph was getting overtired and naughty; it was time to leave, that he turned around and saw Ralph with something else he wasn't supposed to have in his hands; a hammer, and throwing a tantrum with, the tiny, but audible 'please?'. He looked so cute.. with the puppy dog eyes.. and it was something he saw grown ups use. DCI Clancy Wiggum chuckled seriously. "You can't have that, it'll give you owies,"

Ralph's cleverly timed tantrums were classic, much to his mum Sarah Wiggum's delight.  
Eventually, Ralph was thoroughly acting up being hyper. He was clutching a blankie in one fist, and holding a turtle plush toy by it's fin in the other hand. While staring curiously at the tools in it's toolbox, in the trolley.

But throughout this, Ralph was still not staying still. At all. He was still too lost to process what it really was; and it was only when Clancy lifted Ralph up to reach something on the top shelf and sat him on his hip afterward, that his Daddy realised. Ralph needed a wee. No, he really needed a wee. His heart beat faster in his chest. No. He couldn't need to wee. He couldn't go! Not against Daddy's hip. He'd feel. But, he couldn't ask for the potty. They'd see.. and Ralph was much too shy to even let go! Now he was in a situation. He wriggled helplessly against his daddy, trying to push away from his hip which was pushing toooo much pressure on him. He let out a soft, helpless cry as Clancy looked down at him.

"You alright there, Ralphie?" Clancy's face was skeptical, even though he pretty much knew what was wrong. Again, Ralph was like a book.  
Ralph blushed slightly. "D-dad-da." He hissed urgently. "Please.. please can I be put down..? I- I want to look too." He lied.  
Nodding, Clancy placed Ralph down, who sighed uncomfortably.

"Don't stray too far, alright? And I don't want you going into the toilet alone - if you need a change, come back to Daddy." Sarah told him firmly. Ralph's eyes crinkled a little, but he nodded, and sped off; or rather waddled, legs clenched.

_Where? Where could he go?_  
Ralph panicked. He was further enough from his parents to be able to just go for a wee already but there were still.. so many people! What if some Springfield Primary School pupils came along and made fun? No..  
What Ralph usually did, when he needed to relieve himself - as silly as it sounded - he would hide. As long as no one saw what he was doing - perfect. At home, when his parents weren't looking, he liked to either hide in his bed (if he could climb in fast enough, that was) or hide behind the corner. But- where was there to hide in a store as big as this? If he hid behind a display, someone would knock it over!  
He looked around urgently, until finally spotting something. It was one of those play houses! Of course!

He tugged open the plastic door of the nearest one, and darted inside it.

Safely within the confines of the small plastic house, Ralph squirmed for all he was worth, shifting weight from foot to foot, squeezing his crotch. The fabric of the nappy brushed against him; weirdly inviting. Squeezing his eyes shut, he sat down on the yellow single _Little Tikes_ chair there and put one hand to his crotch, waiting for his body to relax enough to go.

Meanwhile, Clancy was still looking around. The Homebase store pretty much fascinated his son, how the playhouses were so.. babyish.. yet so big. Having taken over the 'Guv' role of the Springfield Constabulary CID group, he managed to distract his plain clothed colleagues, any neighbours passing by and uniformed mates from work, being careful that they don't find out the real reason for his son still needing nappies at his age.

Clancy's heart started beating rapidly. Sarah had told Ralph not to stray very far. She looked down each aisle of the local Homebase store that they were near to; and he felt sick with worry. Not there. He had gone.  
"Sarah!" Clancy said urgently. "Please! Let's look for our Ralphie."

Though Ralph was an eight year old, he wasn't in the right mind right now. For all he knew, he could completely regress due to his global developmental delay and go off with a total stranger! And just that thought made Clancy and his wife Sarah's blood run cold.

Ralph meanwhile, was finally letting go. He spread his legs slightly and, still holding his hand between his legs, pushed. Immediately a thin jet burst forth, which soon turned into a heavy spraying stream. He sighed audibly, his body going slack as he peed and peed for all he was worth. His eyes slid shut with the relief of it all and he didn't notice Clancy opening the plastic door, kneeling down and watching his little boy get lost in his relief.

"Is that nice, Ralphie?"

Little Ralph gasped and his eyes snapped open. Immediately, his lip began to quiver and tears began dotting in the corners of his eyes. Clancy pursed his lips and scooped up the still-peeing Ralph, who sobbed as he buried his face into his dad's shoulder. Clancy paced gently, falling to patting Ralph's back. He knew his little boy better than anyone else, and he knew Ralph would blush and cry at the thought of weeing in front of strangers, even as - which evidently, he was finding hard to 'let go of' as a littlie. "Ssssh, it's okay! I'm proud of you. You did a wee. You're still doing your wee, baby. Just relax."

It was against all his instincts; fighting to hold on, but he had to. He really had to. With his crotch pushed up against Clancy's hip so he could fight no more, and his face buried into his shoulder awkwardly, so he couldn't see if anyone was disgusted, Ralph Wiggum relaxed completely in Clancy's arms, sniffling pitifully into his shirt, all too conscious of the loud hissing noise even though it was nothing more than a whisper in the busy store.  
Ralph looked up once more, eyes red. "I- I finished.."  
"Okay, it's okay. You did so good!" DCI Wiggum praised. "Let's go get your nappy changed. No peeping." He said quietly, and kissed Ralph's hair. "We'll work on it, baby."

Work on it, they did. At first, the idea of Ralph using the potty when he was in hysterics over using a nappy, seemed stupid! But now, Ralph was getting better. He could go in his nappy when he was with his dad's police colleagues, except for number 2's, which he still hid away for. (the police officers didn't complain. Ralph was like a stinkbomb contained in a nappy wrapped in a sleepsuit.) and sometimes he used the potty, if he was on his own with Mummy and/or Daddy.

But now they were getting ready to go back to his dad's police station, and Ralph was having to get used to being a 'big boy' and using the toilet a little more. So the potty came in handy when they did 'practise drives' with 'big boy' pants.

It was Patty and Selma Bouvier's turn to babysit little Ralph Wiggum in the local DVLA offices. Clancy had said the plastic potty would come in handy, since Ralph couldn't wear his normal nappies on their DVLA shifts in fear of being found out by their boss who specifically doesn't want babies or children on the premises, but this would still be a new thing for him.

"Could you babysit my little Ralphie?" asked DCI Clancy Wiggum as the Bouvier twin women were still puffing _Marlboro Light_ cigarettes at their desks, teasing their elderly clients and gossiping between themselves "He needs to learn how to control himself and behave better in public."

The twins snigger at the thought of Ralph Wiggum's classic antics when his parents were in Homebase choosing a brand new plastic primary coloured playhouse. The twenty nine year old Detective Chief Inspector asked the Bouvier twins to babysit his only son at the local Driver Vehicle Licensing Agency office in downtown Springfield for today.

"Oh, your son's been a little monkey at B&Q or Homebase?" Patty replied in a hoarse voice caused by smoking tobacco since she was a teenager, the ashtrays in their council flat were filled to the brim and smelled of stale cigarettes everywhere.

"Mmm, yeah he's been having tantrums if Sarah or I say 'no it's for adults only' especially as I caught him picking things he wasn't supposed to have off the shelves at Homebase." The tall six foot something police officer explained to Marge Simpson's twin sisters about his little Ralphie's recent behaviour in Homebase on the Locker Road industrial estate of the Springfield county.

"Oh, relax! Chief Inspector, but our older nephew Bart is still badly behaved at 10 as our younger sister and her man child of a husband; fail to parent him properly." loading out the problems of her younger sister's troubled son and the parenting failures on their spikey haired nephew, being the maternal aunts to Bart, Lisa and Maggie Simpson.

"Bart wasn't even potty training until 6 years old, so your boy doesn't bother us." said Selma puffing away on her cigarette, the tip turning bright orange.

"It's usually because Ralphie is needing the potty, but he's too shy to ask a grown-up even if it's Mummy and Daddy." explained DCI Clancy Wiggum handing his little boy's equipment over to Patty and Selma "He needs to learn to control himself and not act up in any shop Sarah and I take him to."

"Be a good boy for Selma and Patty, won't you Ralphie?" said Chief Inspector Wiggum walking back to his Ford Granada Mk2 Ghia X saloon from their council flat which was built in the 1950s or 1960s, but looked such a state in recent years.

Patty and Selma Bouvier babysit little Ralph Wiggum for the day; he was fascinated by the queqe of people having their driving license photos taken at the Springfield DVLA offices. He watches the DVLA people go through computer records on every car in Britain since they were first digitalised in 1983.

Out in the driving test pen on a disused car park, Marge's sisters were testing Hans Moleman on a control obstacle course set out by orange cones, in a red Vauxhall Corsa belonging to the BSM driving school. Little Ralph shouts out "Be quiet mashed potato!" when the old wrinkled man protested about a child being in the same car he was taking a retest in "What is a toddler doing in the back of a driving school car with a child seat? Children shouldn't be in the DVLA offices or present at people's driving tests." Mr. Moleman grumbled about the Chief Inspector's small child being present with Marge's older twin sisters for the day.

Selma Bouvier tapped him on the arm for comparing Hans Moleman with a potato "No, Ralph Wiggum we don't call old people mashed potatoes, it's isn't nice."

Ralph then throws himself on the floor flailing into a paddy and really started kicking off until Patty tells him that he must be a good boy for Daddy.

Fortunately Ralph continues to be a good boy for Patty and Selma Bouvier even when Chief Inspector Wiggum picks his only son up learning his lesson on not playing up in B&Q or Homebase!


End file.
